Some tid bits

Chromatose
1- My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."


2- I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


3- I thought growing old would take longer.


4-Went shopping while hungry. Now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.


5- Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.


6-Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."


7-Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster. Now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.


8- I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!


9-At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.


10- Retirement to-do list: Wake up. Nailed it!


11-People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.


12-Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.


13-I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.


14- Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.


15-I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.


16- My spouse says I have two faults. I don't listen and...something else.


17-Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.


18-One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.


19-Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.


20-Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.


21-Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.


22- I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.


23-I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.


24- A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.


25-Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.


26-Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.


27-You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.


28- I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.


29- It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.


30-I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.


31- Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate”?


32- I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


33-As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.


34-My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.


35-Me sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”


36-Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer. I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.


37- I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test… same thing .
 
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Reactions: Raincatcher, plumbertom, troutdude and 2 others
BrandonBeach
Very nice,
 
jamisonace
6, 18, 25 and 36...lol.
 
1Oldsarge
I was going to start writing down the ones that applied until I decided, "just most of them."
 
hobster
#1
 
Cedonulli
HAAAAA 9, 20 and 28 made me blow coffee out my nose. Im having 26 put on a T shirt
 
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