Some tid bits

Chromatose

Chromatose

Active member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
559
1- My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."


2- I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


3- I thought growing old would take longer.


4-Went shopping while hungry. Now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.


5- Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.


6-Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."


7-Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster. Now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.


8- I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!


9-At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.


10- Retirement to-do list: Wake up. Nailed it!


11-People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.


12-Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.


13-I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.


14- Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.


15-I don't trip. I do random gravity checks.


16- My spouse says I have two faults. I don't listen and...something else.


17-Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.


18-One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.


19-Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.


20-Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.


21-Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.


22- I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.


23-I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.


24- A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.


25-Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.


26-Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.


27-You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.


28- I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.


29- It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.


30-I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.


31- Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate”?


32- I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.


33-As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.


34-My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.


35-Me sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”


36-Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer. I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.


37- I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test… same thing .
 
1

1Oldsarge

New member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
4
I was going to start writing down the ones that applied until I decided, "just most of them."
 
Cedonulli

Cedonulli

New member
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
28
HAAAAA 9, 20 and 28 made me blow coffee out my nose. Im having 26 put on a T shirt
 

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