B
bernduffy
So I've been taking some friends and family out on short fishing trips. It's time to lay down a few rules....
Uncle Bernie's Lucky 13 Canoe Trip Rules:
1. Have fun.
2. No talking. It scares the fish away. That's why we haven't caught any yet.
3. No making fun of Uncle Bernie's often eccentric attire. (How can you do that if observing rule #2? Sign language. I'm still recovering from some very hurtful signage from '05)
4. Now that I think of it: no sign language.
5. Any hooks imbedded in guest flesh will be taken care of when we get back home. I'm too busy fishing to be playing medic, so stop whining. Navy Seals don't whine. Even real seals don't whine. It's just a little hook. There's whiskey under my seat.
6. Any fish caught by UB is measured in the following manner: The actual length divided by the mean temperature times the annual flow rate differential of the body of water fish was obtained on. Ex: a 12" fish is actually 15". Now when you hear UB tell other fishermen what seems to be an incorrect size, you will understand. These figures shall be adjusted for inflation. Which means the 7" trout I caught in 1998 is now a whopping 28".
7. Uncle Bernie is the Captain of the vessel, which means he doesn't have to do anything physically strenuous. The Captain works hard thinking...about where and when to take his nap.
8. Captain Uncle Bernie is allowed to use bad words. He is going to hell anyway so he doesn't f*%#ing care. Guests may use bad words only after obtaining permission and filling out the proper forms. Bad words may not be directed toward CUB even if he has accidentally (or on purpose just for fun) hooked your scalp. See #5.
9. Urination should occur beyond the confines of the vessel if possible. If not, for Christ’s sake not in my tackle bag.
10. Captain Uncle Bernie will occasionally cut open a fish's stomach to determine what said fish has been eating so as to determine best bait and lure options. It's all part of being a Champion Angler. Guests should not eat lunch prior to such exploratory surgery. Vomiting should occur beyond the confines of the vessel if possible. If not, for Christ’s sake not in my tackle bag.
11. Champion Angler Captain Uncle Bernie will occasionally open up a guest's stomach to determine what said guest has been eating so as to determine best post-trip restaurant and menu options. It's all part of being a Gracious Host. Guests should not eat lunch prior to such exploratory surgery. There's whiskey under my seat.
12. Under no circumstances shall Gracious Host Champion Angler Captain Uncle Bernie be allowed to pay for anything, especially the mandatory expensive post trip meal at an establishment of his choice. The value of spending a day with Cheapskate Gracious Host Champion Angler Captain Uncle Bernie could never possibly be compensated by trivial material things such as fishing accessory gift packs, tanks of gas and fine dining. But you should at least try, you ungrateful moron.
13. Oh, and did I mention: Have Fun!
Welcome Aboard!
Uncle Bernie
Uncle Bernie's Lucky 13 Canoe Trip Rules:
1. Have fun.
2. No talking. It scares the fish away. That's why we haven't caught any yet.
3. No making fun of Uncle Bernie's often eccentric attire. (How can you do that if observing rule #2? Sign language. I'm still recovering from some very hurtful signage from '05)
4. Now that I think of it: no sign language.
5. Any hooks imbedded in guest flesh will be taken care of when we get back home. I'm too busy fishing to be playing medic, so stop whining. Navy Seals don't whine. Even real seals don't whine. It's just a little hook. There's whiskey under my seat.
6. Any fish caught by UB is measured in the following manner: The actual length divided by the mean temperature times the annual flow rate differential of the body of water fish was obtained on. Ex: a 12" fish is actually 15". Now when you hear UB tell other fishermen what seems to be an incorrect size, you will understand. These figures shall be adjusted for inflation. Which means the 7" trout I caught in 1998 is now a whopping 28".
7. Uncle Bernie is the Captain of the vessel, which means he doesn't have to do anything physically strenuous. The Captain works hard thinking...about where and when to take his nap.
8. Captain Uncle Bernie is allowed to use bad words. He is going to hell anyway so he doesn't f*%#ing care. Guests may use bad words only after obtaining permission and filling out the proper forms. Bad words may not be directed toward CUB even if he has accidentally (or on purpose just for fun) hooked your scalp. See #5.
9. Urination should occur beyond the confines of the vessel if possible. If not, for Christ’s sake not in my tackle bag.
10. Captain Uncle Bernie will occasionally cut open a fish's stomach to determine what said fish has been eating so as to determine best bait and lure options. It's all part of being a Champion Angler. Guests should not eat lunch prior to such exploratory surgery. Vomiting should occur beyond the confines of the vessel if possible. If not, for Christ’s sake not in my tackle bag.
11. Champion Angler Captain Uncle Bernie will occasionally open up a guest's stomach to determine what said guest has been eating so as to determine best post-trip restaurant and menu options. It's all part of being a Gracious Host. Guests should not eat lunch prior to such exploratory surgery. There's whiskey under my seat.
12. Under no circumstances shall Gracious Host Champion Angler Captain Uncle Bernie be allowed to pay for anything, especially the mandatory expensive post trip meal at an establishment of his choice. The value of spending a day with Cheapskate Gracious Host Champion Angler Captain Uncle Bernie could never possibly be compensated by trivial material things such as fishing accessory gift packs, tanks of gas and fine dining. But you should at least try, you ungrateful moron.
13. Oh, and did I mention: Have Fun!
Welcome Aboard!
Uncle Bernie
